


Sometimes I Think I'm Happy Here

by Vorvayne



Series: Take The Plan, Spin It Sideways [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Blood, M/M, Rough Sex, fight!sex, hints of ByaRenIchi if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-18 01:37:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1410178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vorvayne/pseuds/Vorvayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Ichigo has an idea then. It's a stupid, reckless idea, and if Byakuya fires him then he'll never learn to be any good at kido nor will he ever find out if they could maybe be friends, one day, but it's been so long since he did anything even half this crazy.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Ichigo lives in Soul Society these days, and he's doing just fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes I Think I'm Happy Here

**Author's Note:**

> So there was this prompt meme going around, and Lucymonster and I accidentally sent each other *exactly the same prompt and pairing*, which was "ByaIchi, Seeking Solace". Possibly we are two halves of the same brain. So we decided we'd just both do it, and see what happened. 
> 
> This is my version, and oh my fuck is it longer than the drabble that it was supposed to be. Ooops? 
> 
> It's also set post Shop Work, but should make sense even if you haven't read that.

He can't go back. He can't go back, ever. Technically, he's dead.

Of course, that doesn't mean as much as it used to. He gets to hang on to his memories where most people don't, and he can visit occasionally - but every time he does, his sisters are suddenly older where he looks seventeen still, will look seventeen for years till he slowly grows into adulthood, too slow to really see.

By the time he's settled into adulthood, his sisters will be dead, and even if he could find them then, they won't remember him. Inoue and Chad visit still, but less often these days.

Kukaku's great and all, but her weird house doesn't feel like home, and anyway it moves around confusingly, so for the first few years Ichigo just stays at the academy barracks with everyone else who doesn't have a house in Seireitei.

He's the youngest at the academy by a long way, in years remembered anyway. Still, to him some of them look so young; maybe it's because they're awkward holding a sword, shy and unsure during training, like they've never really had to fight before. Everyone knows his name, and that's... weird. The first few weeks of every year are full of new students in stiff uniforms who gawk at him in the hallways.

He likes the ones from far out in the Rukongai best; they have some fight in them. There aren't many, so when he wants company he mostly slopes off to find Rukia and Renji. They're busy, though: Rukia with her lieutenancy which basically means she runs the thirteenth, and Renji as a new captain.

They offer him the chance to graduate early - very early, in fact. He says no. It's not like he's in much of a hurry, for once: there isn't a war on, and he could use the time to really figure out kido, which he won't have as much of once he's working in a squad.

He doesn't like to think, too much, about what will happen once he graduates, about the rest of his long, long life as a Shinigami working for one division or another.

He doesn't get much better at kido, but at least he doesn't cause chaos and explosions anymore. Well, not often, anyway. And he figures - well, there's plenty of time to learn. He could live a hundred times as long as he already has, and that's...he can't imagine that. He's not sure he wants to. Probably, it'll just happen, and one day he'll wake up on his 1000th birthday thinking, where did the time go?

Hopefully that's what'll happen. Right now, time doesn't seem like it's going anywhere.

 

-

 

Graduation is a strange thing: everyone else gets a ceremony where they're presented with the same asauchi they've been using for years, only all decorated and with their graduation certificate tied on, while Ichigo just sortof stands there awkwardly, overlarge zanpakuto across his back. He considered leaving it off, but that would've looked even weirder. He can bind Zangetsu into unreleased form these days, but it feels so wrong that he never has since he figured out how.

For weeks, he's been followed around by rumours: _Kurosaki's up for a lieutenancy, maybe even a captaincy._ He hopes not: he has no idea how the divisions really work in practise, and he'd be lost wading into a new division full of people he doesn't know and trying to lead them.

There's still people waiting for him outside afterwards, though. Toushirou, standing grumpily with his hands in his pockets (trying to replace Matsumoto, probably); Renji in his brand new haori (obviously he hasn't found a lieutenant yet either); Nemu looking sick and pale as she has since Kurotsuchi was killed (looking for...a captain? Fucking _hell)_ ; Soi Fon, tiny but full of compressed rage as usual (Ichigo has no idea at all what she wants); and...Byakuya?

"Byakuya?" Ichigo blurts.

Byakuya nods. "I find myself short a third seat, since I promoted her." Toushirou and Soi Fon cast Byakuya incredulous looks, and Renji's mouth twitches; he must've known about this.

The sixth isn't where he was expecting to go, but...third seat. Like Ikkaku. Third seat, he can work with; learn to lead a squad, watch how things are run, and if they're still determined to promote him after that, at least he'll have a clue what to do. "I warn you, my kido's crap. I can't do the binding ones for shit."

Byakuya's expression flickers a bit, too quickly for Ichigo to know what it was. He shares a glance with Renji, still standing reflexively beside him. "That is not a barrier. The sixth would be an ideal place to improve."

Ichigo nods. "Right. Okay." A pause, and everyone's eyes are on him. "What do I do now?"

"Follow me," Byakuya says, and turns without waiting to see if Ichigo will.

"Hai, Taichou," Ichigo replies, and follows.

 

-

 

Renji helps him move his stuff - not that there's much to move - from the academy barracks to the sixth. The whole place is really classy and old-fashioned to Ichigo's eyes, tatami floors and low tables and screen doors and no chairs anywhere except the offices.

Afterwards, they sit in a leafy courtyard and drink tea. Ichigo hasn't really developed a taste for beer and sake, though Renji keeps offering.

"Figured you'd pick the sixth," Renji says after a while.

"Yeah?" Ichigo takes a drink of the jasmine tea he's made, much better than the stuff he remembers from home. He's becoming an old man already, and he isn't even thirty yet. "How come you turned up, then?"

Renji grins. "Mostly to see the looks on the everyone else's faces." He laughs. "You shoulda seen them after you left! None of them thought you'd pick bein' a third seat. Most money was on you'd go to the tenth." A pause. "Or with me."

Ichigo shrugs. "Can you imagine us two tryin' to run a division?"

Renji snorts, then the smile slips off his face. "Yeah, you're right. Byakuya's a good captain; you'll learn the ropes all right."

Ichigo wonders then if Renji misses the sixth, misses being a lieutenant - being Byakuya's lieutenant? - but doesn't ask in case the answer is yes.

 

-

 

It turns out that the main difference between the Academy and working at the sixth is the paperwork. Fewer reports, more signing stuff, and lots of it to do every day.

That, and he's supposed to lead the training sessions for his squad _. Your squad should comprise our best unseated; you may resort them if you feel it necessary,_ Byakuya said. Ichigo doesn't know them well enough to do that yet, and they all look at him with serious expressions and better posture than he's ever had, so for the first few sessions he just gets them to do drills and wanders around, watching and saying a few words in an effort to pick up names.

It's not till he has them do some kido target practise that he begins to feel _really_ out of his depth.

Training on his own doesn't really help: he just gets frustrated, and then his control goes to shit and he singes his eyebrows, and then Shiro laughs at him. So he turns up at Nanase-fukutaichou's office and asks her what her kido is like.

She smiles at him over the top of her glasses and puts down her brush. "You want someone to train with to help you get better, ne?"

Ichigo sighs. "Yeah. Most of my squad are better than me, and I can't help them train if I'm no good myself."

Nanase laughs, rare when she's normally so intent on her work. "Well, Abarai-Taichou managed when he was lieutenant here."

Ichigo shrugs. Ironically, Renji's kido are less crap since he _left_ the sixth. Actually, he's generally been looking - better lately, or something. Ichigo figures his new captaincy's doing him good; his bankai these days is smooth and fluid, and he's lighter on his feet, Ichigo notices, when they train together.

"Kuchiki-taichou told me if you came asking about kido, I was to send you to him," Nanase continues.

Ichigo blinks dumbly for a few seconds, but at least Nanase's looking back at her neat stack of reports. His own is on top, obvious from how crap he still is at using brush pens to write with. "I'll - get going, then," he says eventually. "Taichou's not out or anything, is he?"

"He rarely leaves the division during office hours," Nanase says, a mild expression on her face, but he swears he's beginning to recognise glimmers of humour there.

"Well, that's Kuchiki-Taichou for you," he says, and slopes off.

Byakuya's office is pretty familiar by now, since he's in it for at least a few minutes most weeks. As he learns the ropes, more of the less important paperwork from the rest of the division is going through him rather than Nanase. Maybe she and Byakuya even look a bit less tired: Ichigo had no idea a third seat had this kind of job, like an assistant lieutenant. He can't imagine it being the same at the eleventh: Renji told him once that there's people at the eleventh that can't read.

Still, Zaraki runs a tight division, even with minimal paperwork. Ichigo would be more surprised that he didn't get an offer from there, except that by now someone in the fourth seat would just be weird. Besides, as much as he likes the guys there, that's not...

He thinks about it for minute, then realises that what he means is: that's not what he wants anymore.

He knocks on Byakuya's door, shaking himself back to the present. "Taichou?"

"Come in."

He hasn't stopped feeling awkward, standing in the middle of Byakuya's spotless office. He keeps his own pretty tidy these days, but that's just because he can't stand having to hunt round for bits of paper. It feels like, for Byakuya, having a tidy office is a _moral duty_ or something. Even if he's loosened up a bit, since the war - since the moment he stepped in front of Rukia, really.

"Nanase-fukutaichou sent me here when I asked her about kido," he says to fill the silence.

Byakuya puts down his brush and looks up. "I see. I did tell you that here, you could become more skilled in it." He pauses, and steeples his fingers. "Nanase does kido sessions at officers' training, yes?"

Ichigo shifts. They're even worse than trying to train by himself. "Yeah, but...when I get it wrong, the results can be kinda _explosive_ , see? So I've just been sticking to stuff I know I won't screw up." He tries to stop there; Byakuya probably doesn't need or want to know all about his various training failures, but his mouth is ahead of his brain. "Training by myself's no good either: I just screw up and don't know how to fix it and Shiro has a laugh."

Byakuya follows this until the end, then frowns in what Ichigo supposes is confusion. "Shiro?"

"Uh," Ichigo scratches the nape of his neck. "He's, uh, my hollow." Another frown. "Sortof. Also, he's Zangetsu...you know, in my inner world," he mumbles, because people normally get really uncomfortable if he brings up his hollow, or his complicated inner world. "Anyway, he's a right pain, prefers needling me or laughing to being any help at all."

Byakuya's eyebrows twitch fractionally, and he mutters something while turning to rearrange a stack of reports that might be _sounds like Senbonzakura,_ before turning back to Ichigo and standing. "Come," he says. "Perhaps I will have insights the Academy instructors lack."

 

-

 

"Well. I am impressed you managed to pass the final kido exam with the mark you did, if this is what happens whenever you try something beyond the absolute basics." Is Byakuya's first assessment as he brushes charred vegetation off his haori.

Ichigo's sure there's an insult in there somewhere. "I...dunno. it was my last exam and I was exhausted by then. It kindof went by in a blur. I must not've exploded anything or they wouldn't have given me a merit."

Byakuya narrows his eyes, but Ichigo is beginning to think of that expression as t _houghtful_ rather than any species of threatening, generally. "You have no control," he begins.  

"Yeah, I know. _You need to concentrate_ , they kept telling me." Not that it helped. Ichigo has always thought of himself as good at concentrating - more like useless at not concentrating. He doesn't really know how to do anything else.

Something happens at the corner of Byakuya's mouth. "Control and concentration are not the same thing. You lack the former, not the latter, but both are required for successful kido." He knows what he's talking about here, and it occurs to Ichigo to wonder what Byakuya was like when he was younger. Surely he didn't just turn up the way he is - all closed-off and mysterious with weirdly perfect hair. At least some of that has got to be intentional, practised.

 _Control and concentration are not the same thing_. Which one did Byakuya lack?

"Again," Byakuya says, stepping smartly aside. "Use the incantation this time."

Ichigo clears his throat, and places his hands into the correct kujikiri form. "Ye lord! Mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man! Inferno and pandemonium, the sea barrier surges, march on to the south!" He sucks in a breath, and the final part comes out as a shout: "Hado number 31, Shakkaho!"

The only thing he can hear through what must be a spectacular noise is from inside his head: _Wouldn't it be funny if you killed your captain by accident? Ah, at least then I wouldn't have to put up with you staring at him all the time._

By the time the dark spots clear from his eyes, Shiro's laugh is fading. He shakes his head and assesses the damage.

At least this is only the grassy spot behind the kitchens, because it's basically in serious need of replanting. There's the smell of burnt hair, and - oh, it's his: he gets the feeling Byakuya is attached to his hair, though he'd never say so. He's probably got ash on his face again, and thank god he's not a captain otherwise he'd mess up his nice shiny haori even worse than Zaraki.

Byakuya is unscathed apart from a small smudge on one cheekbone. He doesn't say anything; he doesn't need to.

Ichigo finds himself fiddling with his hakama ties. "Er," he tries. "It seems to go worse when I say the incantation," he says, as if that isn't already obvious.

Byakuya clears his throat. "You are putting too much reiatsu into your kido."

Ichigo frowns. "Shouldn't you be able to shove as much in as you like? I mean, in theory."

Byakuya rolls his eyes a little. "Only if you know what you are doing."

It turns out that, in the advanced kido classes that he never made it into, they taught exactly the stuff he needed to know. How to feed the right amount of reiatsu into his kido and at the right speed; how to manipulate it to modulate the effect.

He's still not any good at it, but at least he's improving. That's got to be approval in Byakuya's muted expression, surely.

Ichigo looks at Byakuya's face and suddenly can't believe that he and Rukia aren't actually related. Something strange happens in his chest then, so he looks away, back to his hands which are suddenly in fists instead of the appropriate kujikiri.

"Perhaps that is enough for today," Byakuya says. "I have things to be getting on with."

And that's that. Ichigo goes back to his office slowly, dragging his feet, and can't quite believe it when he finds out they were training for three whole hours.

 

-

 

"...what do you mean, you _thought you told me you were seeing Urahara_?" It comes out a bit angrier than he really feels: honestly, he's more confused than anything else. Renji is dating Urahara. It's none of Ichigo's business to feel stuff about it, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think it's a bit weird. Because...well, _Urahara_. Who knew Urahara even has sex?

Everyone but Ichigo, apparently. "Well, I did! I mean, when it first happened the whole of Seireitei went nuts at me, and I really wish I were kidding," Renji adds, when Ichigo raises a dubious eyebrow. "Even Byakuya went all weird on me, and he doesn't normally even pay attention to that sort of thing." A slight frown, and Ichigo figures there's more to that story, but it's not the important bit. "I just figured someone would have said something by now, or I'd mentioned it one time." Renji tugs sheepishly on his ponytail.

Ichigo sighs. "Eh...I guess it doesn't matter, really. So that's where you head off to at weekends, huh?"

Renji shuffles his feet, and maybe that's a blush, though it's hidden a little due to not being nearly as bright as his hair. "Yeah..."

Ichigo feels a pang of - something. Renji can go to the human world on his weekends off to visit Urahara, but Ichigo can't visit Karin and Yuzu, because he's supposed to be dead, and if someone caught him wandering around it'd cause loads of trouble. They can come here, but - well, it's just more difficult, that's all.

They're almost women grown by now, he thinks. Must be. He hasn't seen them in...a year? Something like that. It feels like longer.

"You look happy," he tells Renji, which earns him a grin.

"Yeah?" Renji says, smile softening. "I think everything turned out for the best."

It doesn't occur to Ichigo to wonder what he means by that till they've gone their separate ways, and by then it's too late to ask.

It's not like he actually _decides_ to ask Byakuya: it's more like, the question just sortof slips out when he's handing over some paperwork.

"So did all hell really break loose when Renji started dating Urahara?" Ichigo would wince at his delivery or something, but it's out now so there's really no point. He puts down his stack of reports and stands there awkwardly.

If he didn't know better, he'd say that Byakuya's first response is a _flinch_. There's a pause, then he looks up, and Ichigo can't tell anything at all from his face. "That is, perhaps, a slight exaggeration. Still, Renji is correct that the response was - inappropriate and overblown." Mentally, Ichigo adds this to _Byakuya went all weird on me_ , and wonders what he's missing.

"Huh. Guess it blew over though, cause no one told me. How long's it been?"

"Nine years."

Byakuya didn't have to think about that, Ichigo thinks. Didn't have to think back and try and remember what he was doing at the time, figure out how long ago that was. Which means, Renji getting together with Urahara is some sort of landmark in his head, like how Ichigo remembers how long ago his sisters were born and when he met Rukia and -

That's not really the sort of thing he wants to dwell on.

It's been too long since he said anything, and Byakuya is looking at him with an expression that's doing a good enough job of being blank that Ichigo can't identify what else is there. If he could just - see Byakuya all out of control, then there'd be some sort of baseline, and he could figure out what all the subtle stuff means, and that'd be -

_Hot, to see him all out of control, ne?_

Ichigo shakes his head, and thinks firmly, that'd be _useful_.

He has an idea then. It's a stupid, reckless idea, and if Byakuya fires him then he'll never learn to be any good at kido nor will he ever find out if they could maybe be friends, one day, but it's been so long since he did anything even half this crazy. "How come you never told Renji what you wanted?"

For a second Ichigo is sure the next words he's going to hear will be _Chire, Senbonzakura_. He's seen Byakuya angry before, and this is similar, but not. He thinks it might be...hurt.

It doesn't last for long, but it's enough. “You are mistaken, Kurosaki Ichigo,” Byakuya says, clearly angry now. Ichigo doesn’t believe him for a minute, but it is good to hear his full name, said without that hint of hesitation that means, _should it be Shiba_? He doesn’t feel like Shiba Ichigo; that’s not the name he was born with, or the name he shares with his sisters.

Ichigo stands his ground, because this is the one man in all of soul society who knows exactly who he is - Kurosaki Ichigo, suicidally stubborn twenty-something with more reiatsu than sense and too much human in him still - and he wants to know who Byakuya is, too.

And maybe Byakuya will hit him for this, but then at least his life would feel like his again, and not like some dream that's been dragging on forever. "I don't think I am." And Byakuya just stares at him, and they're at an impasse, which is the exact opposite of what Ichigo was trying to achieve here -

_What were you really trying to achieve?_

And it looks like Byakuya's next words might be _Get out_ , but Ichigo's going to make him say them. Make him say something, because Byakuya has no good reason at all to look as resigned and detached in his life as Ichigo is: he was born here, he belongs here, he's powerful and dangerous and he should be fucking _triumphant_.

Should be angry and passionate and free, the way they both were in the moments where they fought, the way Ichigo always was and seems to have lost by increments, and maybe if he can find it in Byakuya he can find it in himself, too -

Ichigo closes his eyes, and just like always, he's sure that when he opens them again, the world will have melted away into something more familiar.

"Do not speak of things you don't understand." Ichigo's eyes are still closed, and Byakuya's voice feels real like that, so he almost doesn't want to look - but he wants to see the look on Byakuya's face.

Ichigo looks at Byakuya's face, and thinks of Rukia, thinks of all the things he's never said to her, and probably never will say. There's regret, there, for the things that will never happen, even if it's better that didn't. And it is, it _is_. "I think I do."

There is another way: Ichigo leans across Byakuya's desk and kisses him, closes his eyes to hear Byakuya's sudden intake of breath, so close to his ear that it seems impossibly loud and immediate. It's an awkward angle, with papers under his hands and Byakuya's desk in the way, so he leans more and seizes Byakuya's shihakusho, and finally, _finally_ Byakuya reacts. He kisses back, bites down on Ichigo's bottom lip hard - but not, Ichigo thinks with the taste of blood and adrenaline filling his mouth, in an attempt to dissuade him.

When he pulls back, he's panting, and he can't stop the grin from pulling painfully at his split, swollen lip. Something drips down his chin; probably blood, from the texture. Byakuya is flushed, and his knuckles are white where he's gripping the edge of the table.

"This is not - " he begins, and has to pause to take a quick breath. " - the appropriate venue for - "

Ichigo swipes and licks at the blood on his face. "Yeah, so come find me later."

He thinks Byakuya will, but if he doesn't, Ichigo will just come back and slide hands under his shihakusho and dig in with his nails right here in Byakuya's office, and _then_ Byakuya will come. It's this that keeps the smile on his face for a few moments as he leaves without a backward glance, though it fades eventually.

 

-

 

Byakuya doesn't come that night, of course. Ichigo sortof wonders what's going to happen at work - has he made it weird? - but he can't seem to hang on to much feeling there. If it's weird, it's weird.

What _is_ weird is hanging out with Rukia. He doesn't get to see her much anymore, and when he does they're caught between emulating their old familiarity and...Ichigo doesn't know. So they're casual and distant when there's other people there, and then sometimes she comes to his room and they stay up late and drink juice and say stuff that's too personal. Sometimes she sleeps on his floor, and he keeps a sleeping bag around and doesn't ask why.

And then she goes in the morning, and it takes a day for the tight feeling in his chest to uncoil again.

There's more to uncoil this time. In some weird twist of fate she's beginning to look uncannily like her brother, and that's...he knows what Byakuya tastes like. Hell, he made a blatant offer to have sex with Byakuya, and he's probably going to be taken up on it, and he wants to, and Rukia looks so like him these days, and -

He's not sure where he's going with this one.

She's telling him about the thirteenth. She loves it there, and for the last two years she's been talking about _Kiyone's sister_ in a way that he really, really doesn't want to prod at in case he screws it up. She deserves that, because he cares about her so stupidly much.

"And...Ichigo? Oi!" She elbows him in the ribs, and knows exactly where to strike. He could block it, but doesn't, just shoves her back with a smile. "You're not listening!"

"Well, you should get a more interesting life," he says in protest, and they rehash one of their old dumb arguments, squashing smiles. The urge to hug her is overwhelming, but he doesn't.

She doesn't stay this time. When she leaves, Ichigo breathes a sigh of relief: _I didn't say anything_. There's a lot of stuff he could say that might screw it all up, and the only regret he has is that he doesn't know what they'd have been like. He's never so much as kissed her, but it's probably easier that way. Maybe they'd have been terrible, and he'd rather not know if that's the case. And maybe they'd have been great, and he'd have - have _loved_ her so stupidly much, and he'd rather not know that either.

Maybe if they can both get - settled, somehow, they can stop dancing around each other.

It's late, and he should go to bed. Instead, he takes out all her old drawings and organises them, then files them carefully away in a box at the back of his wardrobe.

 

-

 

When Byakuya comes, after a day in which they don't speak at all, it's in Ichigo's office.

He looks...stiff. Which is pretty normal, for Byakuya, whose posture is unnaturally upright in a way that looks both practised and really uncomfortable, but there's something else, here, and Ichigo knows what he wants.

He'd expected Byakuya to keep it out of the office, though.

"I did not know that you live at the division barracks still," he begins.

Ichigo shrugs. "Where else?"

Byakuya's gaze flicks to the floor, then quickly back up. "I thought perhaps you lived with Shiba Kukaku, but - I could not locate her."

Ichigo snorts. "Her house moves around all the damn time; it'd be a pain trying to get to work. Besides, she keeps blowing bits of it up, and I'm a light sleeper."

Byakuya blinks owlishly at this, and Ichigo is tempted to point out that he was joking, just in case Byakuya wasn't aware. _Well, all except for being a light sleeper_. He swears he used to pass out for eight or ten uninterrupted hours every night, but he figures people change.

A few more moments pass, and Ichigo finally interprets this as the invitation it has to be, and stands. "You don't have to slum it at mine, if you got a better idea," he says.

Byakuya's eyes sweep to the floor again. "It would...not be advisable, for me to be seen in my own division's barracks at night." A breath, and somehow they've become closer without Ichigo really noticing. Was it him or Byakuya that moved? Doesn't matter, now: he can count Byakuya's eyelashes. He's taller than Byakuya by a little, and how hasn't he noticed that before?

Shiro flashes him an - obscene image, grinning, and this is really _not the time_ , but at least Byakuya has seen his hollow right up close before, so if his eyes go black again... He swallows, and has a single moment of _what the hell am I doing_?

"There are captain's quarters at the division, however. I suggest there."

"Lead on, Byakuya," Ichigo says, and appreciates his captain's flinch: he hasn't called Byakuya by his first name in a long time. He wants to kiss him here, just to shake him up a bit more, but bites down on the urge because suddenly, he really doesn't want to screw this up.

Ichigo can see Byakuya's hesitation as he closes the screen door behind them, so he doesn't bother waiting, just - launches himself at Byakuya with only the barest idea of what he intends to do. He isn't really all that knowledgeable, here: he fooled around a bit at the academy, in a stress relief kind of way, but it's not like he's put in hours of practise.

He decides this isn't a time for thinking, anyway, and kisses Byakuya, lets his hands do whatever. Something. It doesn't matter: it only lasts a minute, and then suddenly he's being shoved against a wall, Byakuya's tongue in his mouth. Some bits of his body vote to just melt against Byakuya, and for a minute he luxuriates, because it's been a while since anyone touched him like this - okay, a long while, but -

Byakuya stops kissing him for a minute to bite down into his shoulder, and through a painpleasure haze he's forced to admit he's _never_ been touched like this, which is definitely why his spine is trying to melt.

But in spite of the warm liquid temptation to succumb, some of him is beginning to wonder what would happen if he fought back - if he worked an arm free and slid it through the hair at the back of Byakuya's head and made a fist, slid his tongue down Byakuya's exposed throat - and it turns out that Byakuya makes a noise that's somewhere between a growl and a moan before biting down on his own bottom lip.

It's exactly like a fight, then: Byakuya's leg is between Ichigo's thighs, pinning with his hips, and Ichigo tugs impatiently at his haori and hakama ties. But he doesn't have enough leverage, and they're against a wall, and anyway he keeps getting hopelessly distracted in messy kisses and Byakuya's fingers grasping wherever they can reach, round Ichigo's wrists still-clothed sides.

Ichigo shoves both of them away from the wall, and Byakuya looks prepared to fight back until he clumsily maneuvers them to the bed. Is that a bed? It's something soft on the floor: it'll do. He's not even sure what he _wants_ , but it definitely involves both of them a lot more naked and Byakuya's teeth all over him and more of those bitten-off moans. So they land on something soft and Ichigo's on his back again, but this time there's space for him to finally make some progress against Byakuya's uniform, and they're both still wearing their goddamn _shoes_.

He doesn't have time to feel exposed, knees spread wide with Byakuya between them, because Byakuya grinds their hips together and bites into the flesh under Ichigo's jaw, and Ichigo didn't know he could even make the sort of sound that comes out of his throat then. There's another brief struggle to get Ichigo out of his shihakusho, by which point Ichigo is past caring about a single other thing than grabbing Byakuya by the shoulders and pulling him down. He doesn't even care about how rough he is in his impatience, with the result that his nails dig in and drag across Byakuya's shoulderblades.

He doesn't expect the response: Byakuya squeezes his eyes shut, chin to chest, and lets out an amazing full-throated groan, so Ichigo wraps his legs around Byakuya's hips and does it over and over while Byakuya shudders and fails to bury his sounds in kisses that begin to taste of blood. Ichigo is afraid he might start laughing from adrenaline, from sheer sensation, and no one ever told him sex could be like _this_ , violent and bloody and like a fight but better, because there's no way he can give his all in a fight anymore without breaking buildings or people, but he doesn't have to hold back, here.

At some point in the last - ten, twenty, thirty minutes? - while, Ichigo has worked out what he wants, and that's Byakuya inside him, _right fucking now_. He says as much, and for a moment Byakuya looks _surprised_ , though it's hard to tell because his eyes are almost entirely black - and Ichigo wonders what Byakuya had in mind that he's surprised. Maybe he didn't have anything in mind: hell, Ichigo is struggling to keep stuff in mind like “get naked”. There isn’t any room for stuff like the fact that he’s never done this before (story of his life for a while, and he lived, in a manner of speaking).

They manage. It’s - logistically challenging, at first, and they get oil everywhere, but the delay is as good a chance as any to get his breath back because he was halfway there and he doesn’t want this to be over yet. He doesn’t want this to be over ever, because right now he can close his eyes and still feel Byakuya’s warm, damp skin and sharp teeth, smell Byakuya’s bizarre perfumed sheets and shampoo and sex, hear two sets of breathing and two heartbeats and the rustle of sheets, and it all still feels _real_.  It does hurt a bit when Byakuya slides slowly inside with gritted teeth, fingers turning white where they’re fisted in the sheets, but Ichigo interlocks his ankles and digs his nails in and buries his face in Byakuya’s shoulder, and all the sensations mingle together so strongly that his eyes fall closed of their own accord. It’s the first time in - years, maybe, that it doesn’t come with a sense of lurching wrongness. Byakuya growls in his ear and Ichigo rakes nails up and down Byakuya’s back and

Doesn’t  
  
Think  
  
 _Anything._

  
It takes a while for them to get their breath back. Byakuya blinks slowly, and says, “You’re bleeding.”

Ichigo would shrug, but he’s lying down, and none of his muscles are feeling particularly solid. He eyes one of his hands; there’s blood under his fingernails. “So’re you,” he says. Some of the scratches on Byakuya’s back curve round the sides of his shoulders and ribs, and they’re an angry red against his white skin.

Byakuya seems to relax a little at this, though Ichigo hasn’t a clue why. He still wouldn’t say Byakuya looks relaxed - he’s still pretty stiff, lying in one awkward line next to Ichigo’s comfortable sprawl - and..well, Ichigo figures he hadn’t exactly expected Byakuya to be a cuddler. He rubs his face with one hand, stretches, and pulls himself in a vaguely upwards direction till he’s sitting.

“So, should I head off?” Ichigo watches Byakuya’s face, which gives very little away.

“If you wish,” Byakuya says, not moving a bit. Ichigo waits for some clearer indication, but doesn’t get one, and eventually he gets that that is the indication. He flops back down onto the bed and pulls the covers over both of them.

Ichigo turns over, yawning, and the bed is really comfy, so instead of something more sensible he just ends up mumbling, “Say what you damn well mean, ne?”

Sleep comes pretty quickly, after that. Byakuya doesn’t reply, but he’d swear there was a tentative hand on his shoulder, just before he drifted off.

 

-

 

Byakuya’s gone when Ichigo wakes up in the morning. Ichigo finds himself smiling at the ceiling a bit in a dazed sort of way, because he hasn’t slept that deeply in years.

The bed still smells like Byakuya, and the sheets have drops of blood on them in places. When Ichigo stands up he finds himself sore in odd places, but not stiff: if anything, his whole body feels oddly jelly-like, being so used to tension and not finding it.

He finds himself whistling off-key on his way to work, wearing a high neck jumper under his shihakusho because he can’t help but feel that showing off huge purple-red bitemarks might not be the best plan ever.  Work is...a little weird, mostly because nothing at all has changed, and it all begins to feel a bit unreal again - but all he has to do is touch the side of his neck, and he remembers.

He still doesn’t know what the deal was with Byakuya and Renji, but maybe that doesn’t matter much. He doesn’t know if he can expect them to have sex again, and tries not to hope, which should be easy: all his emotions have felt foggy and distant for...years, he supposes.

He hopes anyway.

 

-

 

Ichigo gives Byakuya three days to get his head together before bringing it up on the way back from a meeting of seated officers.

“So...what are we doing now? I mean, if it’s a fraternisation thing, Renji still needs a lieutenant.” Ichigo would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy Byakuya’s scandalised expression every time he just _says_ stuff like that.

Byakuya clears his throat. “I...I did not know…” he pauses, and continues more firmly, “I should have to find another third seat. Again.”

 _So don’t go anywhere,_ right. Ichigo shrugs. “I like it here.” He entertains himself briefly, imagining the look on Byakuya’s face if he said, So are you going to fuck me again? But they’re outside, and also at the sixth, and surprise kisses in his office aside Ichigo doesn’t think Byakuya’s one for public affection.  

Byakuya searches Ichigo’s face for - something. Ichigo doesn’t know what it is. But he must find it, because the next thing he says is, “There are no explicit rules against fraternisation.” His voice is calm, but when Ichigo meets his eyes, they burn.

They burn brighter still that night, when Byakuya pins Ichigo’s wrists above his head and Ichigo arches against him, half struggle and half _want_. Every time he fights too much Byakuya leans down and bites wherever he can reach, which makes bits of his body turn liquid but isn’t actually a disincentive in any way. There’s a few moments of almost-sincere tussle, and by the end Ichigo is on top, astride Byakuya’s hips, which probably means that both of them have won.   
  
This time, it’s Byakuya who pulls Ichigo down and tears his back to shreds with sharp manicured nails, and Ichigo swears and tries to keep some sort of rhythm despite his shaking legs. Eventually he just collapses on Byakuya’s chest and comes, so sensation-fogged that the world swims in his vision. But that’s all right: Byakuya’s hands hold his hips firmly, and his world is mostly Byakuya’s body and Byakuya’s heartbeat against his ear and the rapid rise and fall of Byakuya’s chest under him.

He can’t remember the last time he was this bone-tired and muscle-sore. They spent the last half hour tangled together and it would feel - weird, to disengage now, and anyway Ichigo doesn’t have the energy, so he lies with his head against Byakuya’s chest and breathes. Sleep doesn’t come as quickly this time, but he doesn’t really care about that.

Eventually, Byakuya speaks. “I - did not tell Renji. He didn’t know. And then...it was too late.”

Ichigo had figured it would be something like that. He doesn’t say anything dumb like “it’s probably better that way”, because even if it’s true, he knows from experience that doesn't help, doesn't make you feel any better.

“Okay,” he says, and doesn’t let go.

 

-

 

Sake is probably traditional here, but Ichigo doesn’t really like it, so he has some coconut water thing while Renji sips a beer. He decides to just spit it out.   
  
“So uh. Byakuya and I sortof have a thing.” A thing. Great. A thing. Well done, Ichigo. It - might just conceivably be that he’s a little worried about how Renji will take this.

Renji just blinks at him. “A thing?”

Ichigo sighs. “We’re fucking.”

Renji attempts to cover choking on his beer in clearing his throat; it doesn’t work. “Uh. Right. Okay.” A long pause, and the expression on his face is...complicated. “Hang on, is that why you’ve suddenly started wearing stuff that covers your neck all the time?”

Ichigo tries really, really hard not to smile. “You caught me,” he says, biting down on a smile, because if he looks too smug about the bruises on his neck Renji might give in to the impulse to ask further questions. He looks intrigued, but then turns away again and takes a swig of beer; clearly, it’s a near thing.

They look out over the courtyard behind Renji’s apartment in silence for a while, watching the sky get a little darker. Eventually, Renji says quietly, “What are you gonna say to Rukia?”

Renji knows, of course. Not all of it - Ichigo has never said most of it to another living soul ( _hah,_ which isn’t saying much round here), but Renji’s not _blind_. Rukia isn’t blind either, but she never said anything, and that’s his answer right there. “I...hadn’t thought about it much. Guess I’ll tell her tomorrow, maybe.” He thinks about this for a minute. “Not anyone else, though. It’s not anyone else’s business.”

Renji nods. “You won’t find me arguing with that one.”

He talks about Urahara’s crowd for a while, just dumb stories about Tessai’s nonexistent indoor voice and Jinta’s petulant adolescence and how Ururu’s fighting off the boys - literally. Ichigo just listens, murmuring something vaguely encouraging every so often, and Renji keeps talking till they’re both tired enough to go to bed. Renji’s always been affectionate, and his parting hug today squishes Ichigo’s (scratched and tender) ribs. Against all sense, it’s a little easier to breath, after.

 

-

 

He puts off telling her for days, and all that happens is that his brain freewheels and he gets exactly nowhere. He eats eight meals and has sex with Byakuya twice and has three baths and he kisses Byakuya five times and Byakuya kisses him four. Byakuya’s kisses sting, but it’s beginning to seem that Ichigo likes it that way.

Some part of his body always hurts a bit, these days, and then every time he touches it or moves in one specific way he feels it again, reminder and anchor in one.

These days? It’s only been a week. Or has it? Time still moves strangely to him, here. _These days_ sounds like he’s expecting this way of things to continue, and - well, he doesn’t really have any business thinking that. He doesn’t know how this sort of thing is supposed to work, not in the human world and not in Soul Society. He doesn’t think this is how it’s normally done, even in Soul Society, but he might be wrong about that.

He wouldn’t be making a big deal out of telling Rukia if it wasn’t. In his head anyway. Maybe in reality, too. He won’t ask yet, but he gets the feeling that before this time last week, it’d been a long time for Byakuya. Ichigo isn’t sure where he got that from: maybe in the slight fumbling of Byakuya’s hands the first time when he’s normally so graceful, maybe because Byakuya digs his nails and teeth in like a starving man.  

In the end, Ichigo tells her because it brings all his lives and worlds together, and makes them all real. He tries to be clearer about it this time.

“Uh - there’s something I have to tell you,” he says, deciding to try preamble. It’s...probably worse, because she gives him an alarmed look, but he forges on anyway: “I’m sortof having a thing with your brother.”

Her mouth closes. “Oh,” she says. “Um. What sort of thing?”

Ichigo blinks, and eats another bite of his lunch. “I don’t...really know,” he’s forced to say, because he hasn't had time to figure it out yet, and anyway he doesn't understand what she wants from him.

“Okay,” she says, looking down at her bento box. “Just to clarify - you mean a sex thing, right? You’re not - I don’t know, starting a Kabuki group, or something.”

He laughs despite himself, and elbows her shoulder. “Idiot. Yeah, I mean, uh, a sex thing.”

She chews her bottom lip thoughtfully, still not looking at him. “Is it - are you - “ a pause, then she starts again, though he’d try to answer whatever cut off questions those were, if she wanted him to. “Does Nii-sama...look happy? Does he relax?”

Ichigo thinks about this. “Have you ever seen Byakuya look _relaxed and happy_?” Which is - which is a fucking shame, really. Ichigo tries to imagine a soft smile added to Byakuya’s dazed post-sex expression. It’s not so hard, but it does make him want to see it for real and kiss Byakuya and...other things. The wanting seems to hurt, and not the way he’s used to, somewhere in his chest.

It gets worse when he meets Rukia’s eyes, and the expression on her face is - he’s not sure, but he wants to say more to make it soften. “Well, he does unwind some.” Ichigo isn’t sure unwind is the right word for Byakuya unleashing himself when they’re alone, and melting into sleep afterwards, but it’ll do. There’s things he doesn’t want to tell her, which makes him - sad, or something; he’s not sure. But then, Byakuya’s her brother, and there’s probably things about him she doesn’t want to hear.

She offers him a small smile, though it wobbles a bit. “Maybe it’ll just take some time.”

Ichigo breathes out and returns her smile, more definitely, and hers gets wider in response. He threads an arm through hers, and all that’s there is her warm skin and her smile and how he hopes they spend the rest of the night talking about the thirteenth so he can see her ridiculous impressions of the third seats some more.

“You’re probably right,” he says.

And if she’d said that when he first arrived at Soul Society, or any time between then and now, he wouldn’t have believed her, which - now he thinks about it - is probably why she didn’t say it. But he and Byakuya both have tomorrow off, and when he wakes up with Byakuya’s hair in his face he doesn’t feel the urge to launch himself immediately upright and into his duties, and - well.   
  
He has plenty of time, these days. He can wait.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The hints of ByaRenIchi OT3 are entirely Lucymonster's fault, I'd like to clarify. (I may or may not be evolving plans for a proper ByaRenIchi thing, shhhh)
> 
> I can be found at vorvayne.tumblr.com posting, um, lots of semi-dressed and naked anime boys and stuff.


End file.
